this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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