got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
