Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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