I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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