in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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