...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
