My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
organizing the empties. That sober.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
