this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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