Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
