my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize