i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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