when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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