It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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