Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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