it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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