while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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