I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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