I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There r osticjed everywhere
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
