so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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