Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
