I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
