did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
