a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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