OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
