My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
