My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
