I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
