this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
