I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Never underestimate the power of titties
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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