Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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