On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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