Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
