just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Randomize