sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
