I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
