just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
