Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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