rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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