there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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