Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
