It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
