he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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