God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
