someone threw a dead crab at me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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