If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
