Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
