On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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