i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
