MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
