My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We have started to decorate penises.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
