I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
