Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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