I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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