My liver just broke up with me...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
are you so shy because you have an std?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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