hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize