DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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