Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
