I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
