I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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